Divorced Parenting BehaviorGood divorced parenting requires you to step back and view the bigger picture when it comes to resolving parental disputes. Changing your attitude about your ex and your perspective on the situation can make all the difference in the world, especially when you are first separated. The following words of wisdom from a family court judge offer tips on how to get this done. FOUR FUNDAMENTAL CORNERSTONES OF PARENTING BEHAVIOR --- FOLLOWING A SEPARATION
I believe the key to resolving parental disputes is for parents to behave in a civilized, reasonable, mature way with each other. If you are like many people who appear in my court, you will be thinking, "This is all well and good, but you don't know my ex-partner. I am doing all the right things. My ex-partner is the one creating all the problems." Believe me, I understand what you are thinking, but if you are truly trying to take a mature approach to your situation, you need to understand and accept the following important points: 1) There are two sides to every story. Each of you has a version of what happened in your relationship, and each of you firmly believes that your own versions are correct. Ultimately, there is no way for anyone else to know for sure what actually happened and who did what to whom. More importantly, it isn't necessary to be right about what happened in the past in order to have a civilized co-parenting relationship with your ex-partner in the future. You can each agree to disagree about who was right and who was wrong and leave it at that. 2) Each of you probably identifies as the victim in the relationship. Whatever blame you want to cast at your ex-partner, he/she is very likely assigning at least as much blame to you. Instead of concentrating your energies on which ex-partner victimized the other most, you must focus on how to make sure your children are not victimized by your breakup. 3) Finding a way to assign blame does nothing to solve your problems. Except in extreme cases, you are still going to have to deal with each other and the children for many years. You can each spend the rest of your lives trying to be vindicated for all that you have suffered, but in the meantime your children will be growing up in whatever atmosphere you and your ex-partner create for them. 4) You cannot change your ex-partner, and he/she cannot change you. You are who you are-the same applies to your ex-partner. However, you can change your own attitude, perspective, and behavior. Only you can decide how you choose to react to your ex-partner's conduct. This does not mean that you must accept abuse or put yourself or your children at risk of harm; it means that you can take the appropriate steps recommended by your lawyer, counselor, and any other professionals you have turned to, without descending to your ex-partner's level. The above four points are, in my opinion, the fundamental cornerstones of mature parental behavior following a separation. So here is my answer to the person who says, "I'm the good one. My ex-partner is the bad one": even if this is true, you still have an obligation, for your child's sake, to behave maturely and reasonably. This means at the very least getting legal advice from a family law lawyer before taking important steps affecting your ex-partner. It can also mean getting counseling to help you reinvent yourself from being a disappointed ex-partner to becoming a responsible co-parent. Counseling can also help you develop skills to respond appropriately to your ex-partner's conduct. If you respond the right way in each situation, you might be surprised at the effect this will have on your ex-partner. When you behave in a civilized and mature way with someone, you are, in a sense, role modeling for that person. I have seen many cases in which one parent's steadfast refusal to descend into the arena of retaliation and backstabbing literally shamed the other parent into improving his/her behavior. More importantly, when you show calmness, restraint, and fairness in your behavior, you are also role modeling for your children, who see, hear, and remember much more than you probably realize. Children learn how to behave from their parents. If you truly believe that the other parent is causing all of the problems, it is even more important than ever that you behave with maturity. After all, it is better for a child to see one parent behaving properly than to see both parents behaving badly. Return to top of Divorced Parenting Behavior Excerpted from Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court For more information concerning divorced parenting and how to better get along with your ex, check out the following articles: Home / Articles / Divorce Guide / State Resources / Divorce FAQS
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