Divorce ReconciliationFor some people who have been through a divorce, reconciliation is the last thing that they would consider. But for others, there is the lingering thoughts of getting back together again. If you are wondering if you should give it another try, the following advice from the life coach may help.
Should we try and put our marriage back together again?
Gretchen's Question: My ex and I were married for almost 18 years and have two children. After being divorced for two months, we have found out that we still have strong feelings for each other. Should we try and put our marriage back together? Both of our parents will not be happy about it if we do. Gloria's Answer: If you were married for 18 years and have 2 children together then honestly, I think the two of you are old enough and wise enough to make this decision for yourself - regardless of what everyone else thinks. I would challenge you though to remind yourself why you made the decision to get divorced in the first place. Have you talked about and resolved the issues from the past? Have you made decisions regarding how you handle future conflicts? Do you know why you are attracted to one another again - is it loneliness or is it love? The past can be our greatest teacher, and there is nothing that says we must repeat the mistakes of the past. People can and do change. We all grow, mature, and learn from our mistakes. Trust yourself, your instincts, and your decisions in this matter. You have the power to create your future with whomever you choose to have in it. » Return to top What's to Say That He Won't Do It Again? Anna's Question: My ex husband and I have been separated for almost one whole year, and our divorce will be final in one month. Our short marriage never stood a chance because we had so many strikes against us. He was a student, we lived off my salary, he had never had kids and was now living with my teenage sons, and I suffer from depression. He did not really involve himself in family life and I felt torn between him and my children. After months of separation, I am ready to move on. But now he is emailing me, telling me he would like to see me and talk about our relationship to see if we could reunite. I don't think I can do this, since he abandoned me. Is it selfish of me to not give our relationship one more try? I want to protect myself from being hurt again. Since he left me once, what's to say he won't do it again? And what really has changed? Gloria's Answer: I always raise my eyebrows just a bit when I hear someone say that someone else has not changed. How do you know? Have YOU changed over this last year? Is it really true to think that you have grown and changed from this experience, and he hasn't at all? I don't really know your soon-to-be ex-husband, but from what you are writing, he sounds like he really does want a second chance. Yes, he left for whatever reason the first time. Maybe he was afraid of his new role as husband/step parent. Now, you are running out of fear, too - fear that he may hurt you again or he may run again. My thought though, is that he knows what he left behind, he is coming to you again with his eyes open knowing the challenges that he is about to face with your children and your bouts with depression, and he still wants to reunite. Is it a risk on your part? Sure! But so is life - there are not guarantees. Yet, if you run every time you think you may be hurt, you may guarantee living a dull, boring, and very lonely life for no one is perfect and in every relationship there is a chance that you may be hurt. My encouragement for you would be to meet with him to talk. If he isn't who you most want to be with, continue on your current path. If you want to give it another try, take the risk, get the support you both need, and begin again. Instead of living your life running away from what you don't want, try running towards what you do! » Return to top He Wants To Reconcile, But I Want To Take it Slow Imani's Question: I filed for divorce due to infidelity on his part and a ton of other issues. I no longer gave in to the small talk; I had to show him I was no longer playing. He has stated he wants to change after being separated for over a year, and we have been talking about reconciling. I am still in love with him and do not want a divorce. But I am not ready to give in and start off physically (whether we are married or not). Can you give me some advice? As a women I like to communicate and so does he, but I am not comfortable with just hopping right in. Gloria's Answer: Yeah! I love the fact that you are a strong woman who respects herself and is willing to stand up for herself after facing the issues that come with infidelity. You are absolutely right on with wanting to rebuild that mutual, solid foundation of trust again. With that in mind, the physical side of a marriage is very important, and most of the time, men and women do view sex very differently. For you, I would encourage you to ask yourself when you feel that you will be ready to begin again in the physical relationship. What needs to happen before you agree? Is there a certain amount of time, counseling, events that need to take place? To say that you want to wait until you have a "feeling" is pretty hard to work with from your husband's perspective. I would encourage you to define what that is clearly for you, communicate that to him, agree to it, and move toward that goal together. This may sound really cold and logical, but at the same time, men are from Mars and women are from Venus!! Congratulations on honoring and respecting yourself so well. » Return to top How do we go about putting our marriage back together? Cyndi's Question: After 25 year together, my divorce just became final. I left him because of adultery, and his problems with sexual addiction. I am going to counseling so that I can deal with everything for my 8 year old son. My ex is doing better now that he is going to counseling, and has said that he would do anything to win us back. I do love him, but I just don't know how to go about fixing all these problems. Gloria's Answer: I am thrilled to hear, Cyndi, that you are getting all the love and support that you need for yourself and your son to deal with all of this! You are a great Mom, and I love how you face your obstacles head on. What a great example for your son! Regarding your question on whether or not to get back with your ex-husband, what do YOU want? Because you still love him, I am going to guess that you would love to get back together again with him if you could wave a magic wand and know, for sure!, that you would never have to deal with your ex's issues ever again. But as you already know, none of us can ever know for sure. Life is a risk. Love is a risk, and we make decisions based on the information we have at the time. My suggestion for you would be to not try and "fix" all of the problems. You can't. Instead, follow your heart, and if you feel that you would like to explore getting back together again then completely start over. Go on dates, talk on the phone, experience new things, and simply take your time. Give yourselves time to renew that trust between the two of you again. As far as your son, I would strongly communicate with him what you are doing, and for the time being, leave him out of it. Let him know that you are thinking about it, but you aren't sure. Tell him that you are excited, but still a little cautious. And most of all, let him know that you both still love HIM very much and that will never change. Life and love are a risk, and there are no sure things. But love can and does conquer and forgive many things every single day. I wish you ALL the very best! » Return to top
Also see: Gloria Swardenski is a life and business coach, professional speaker, and author of "Got 90 Seconds? Quick Quotes and Notes to Encourage and Inspire". For more information about Gloria, visit her website at www.GloriaCoach.com Information about coping with divorce in the "Ask Gloria" section of this website is for general purposes only, and not a substitute for professional counseling. Divorce
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