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Surviving The Post Divorce Holidays
Helping your child through the
holidays after a divorce can be challenging. It's likely that you're having a
difficult time coping with the season yourself, which makes it even harder to
focus on what your child is experiencing. Follow these tips to help your child
survive and to keep your own sanity.
Be sympathetic
Your child is going to be sad and miss the other parent when
holidays are spent with you, no matter how often he sees the other parent. It
can be easy to take this as a slap in the face, or a judgment that you're not
enough. Instead of getting upset, think about how your child feels and offer
comfort and understanding. It will take time for your child to adjust.
Don't force family gatherings
Many separated or divorced parents find that
it helps their kids if they can share part of the holidays together as one big
family. However, just because this works for other families, doesn't mean it has
to work for yours. If you're not comfortable, don't do it. Your child will be
happier if she is not subjected to arguments, snide remarks or other hurtful
behavior.
Remember that gifts don't make up for the divorce
Getting your child the
latest and greatest might make you feel like a good parent, but it can't make up
for the divorce. Showering your child in gifts, or worse - competing with the
other parent to give the best gift, just creates an artificial and uncomfortable
situation. Give gifts that fit your budget and your comfort level and know that
your child can't love you more than he already does. There are plenty of other
ways to show your love to your child, so focus on these rather than material
ways.
Make plans for time alone
It's likely that your child will spend part of the
holiday with the other parent. Instead of feeling depressed and sad, use this
time to do something wonderful for yourself, or to make plans for the next time
your child is with you. Be sure you don't make your child feel guilty for
leaving you to be with the other parent.
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Buy yourself a gift
Particularly if your child is young, this year you need
to plan to buy yourself a gift. In the past, you may have relied upon your
spouse to put some presents under the tree for you. This year, it's up to you.
Wrap them if you feel like it and feel free to tell your child they came from
Santa. The end of your relationship does not mean you don't deserve gifts.
Help your child buy a gift
Take your child shopping for, or help him or her
make a gift for the other parent. This gift is not from you, but is from your
child. Think of how pleased it will make your child to be able to offer a
present to the other parent. Don't expect this to be reciprocated and you won't
be disappointed.
Focus on making the most of what you have
It is easy to spend the holidays
thinking about how the divorce has changed your life and your child's life.
Instead, focus on enjoying and celebrating what you and your child do have.
Brette McWhorter Sember is a retired family attorney and mediator and
nationally known expert about divorce and parenting after divorce. She is the
author of The Divorce Organizer & Planner (McGraw-Hill), How to Parent With
Your Ex: Working Together for Your Child's Best Interest (Sourcebooks) and
No-Fight Divorce: Spend Less Money, Save Time, and Avoid Conflict Using
Mediation (McGraw-Hill). She also does custody coaching. Her web sites are
www.BretteSember.com and www.YourCustodyCoach.com.
The following articles can also help you deal with
other issues when you are facing the holidays after
divorce: