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Divorce And Letting Go Answers from the Coach
Going through a divorce and letting go of the dreams of happily
ever after is often hard. Even if you are the one who wanted
the divorce, there may still be lingering feelings of jealousy and
resentment. The following insight from the life coach may help
you overcome some of these feelings.
Jeanette's Question: After 22 years of marriage, I
can't understand how he can start a relationship (it's just been 8 months since
the divorce). I can't get over thinking of him with someone else. When am I
going to be able to move on? I still love him and care for him and this
makes it even harder.
Gloria's Answer: Why are you thinking of him at
all? Yes, you were married for 22 years. Yes, you were divorced. Yes, it's been
8 months. And yes, YOU need to get control of yourself, your mind, and your
energies, and let him go! I know this isn't easy because I went through it, too,
but you must. If you do still love him as you say you do, then let him live his
life, let him try on new relationships that make him happy, and stop your own
suffering by making this hard. He's not making this hard - you are!
Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself how much you love
yourself and that it is time to stop suffering. Catch yourself every
time you wonder about him and the other gal and say out loud - I
wish you well. And then get busy creating your own life with lots of
friends, new relationships of your own, love, and laughter. It has
been 8 months, and it is time for you to let go and begin
living. » Return to top
He treats her better than he
ever treated me.
Denise's Question: I am 37 years old and I have
been divorced for 1 year, (and separated for a year before that). I still hurt
so much, but the funny thing is that I wanted the divorce. My marriage was
a lot of work on MY part; worrying, controlling, fixing, healing all the time
with no partnership support. When I look back, I remember myself looking
out the front window crying because I was so sad and lonely. So why am I still
so hurt? I'm not jealous of his girlfriend, but I find that he treats her better
than he treated me, and I did EVERYTHING for 15 years. Am I finding out that he
really didn't ever love me the way I thought he did? I really want to be
friends, but I have no respect for him. He now acts like a 22 year old (because
of his girlfriend), drinks all the time, blows off our three children, has a
myspace.com page, and talks and emails like he's 22, with words like
"peace" and "dude". It's embarrassing, but why should I care? I
have met a great guy and so much want to move along, but find it really hard at
times - help!
Gloria's Answer: I love your honestly and
freshness, Denise, as you share your feelings in this note! So many ladies feel
just like you - wondering why their ex-husband's are somehow miraculously
changed into the person they always wanted to be with, yet it is happening with
someone else! Although, it can go overboard at times. Grrrr . . .
Yet, for you, the healing will begin when you stop looking and
stop judging all that your ex is doing. He is going to do whatever
he wants to do, and you no longer have any say. He can make a
complete and total fool of himself, and you have no power to stop
him. This truth can make you feel helpless, but if you choose, it
can be completely freeing!
I really want to encourage you to stop digging into all the
activities of your ex - the myspace.com, the language, the way he is
treating his new, young hottie. Let it go, and begin to place all
your time and energy into yourself and your new life. Take care of
yourself better than he ever could. Be the role model you truly want
to be for your children regardless of what Dad does. Honor and be
grateful for the new man in your life and enjoy every moment you
have with him.
The feelings are normal, yet I do believe it is time to let go of
them and move on. So, whenever you feel them resurfacing, look in
the mirror, remind yourself of who you are and all that you now
have, and smile - YOU are amazing! » Return to top
How do I deal with my ex's remarriage?
Donna's Question: We've been divorce only ten months, and my ex
just got remarried. I was the one who asked for a divorce and I don't want
him back because he is a liar, cheat, alcoholic, and a drug
abuser. He was also very smooth and a con man, using women (including me) for financial gains. Knowing all of that, I have still had some VERY sad
moments, remembering how happy I was when we were first married, before I began to
see the game he was playing on me and anyone else. How can I move on past this,
and not feel the need to hide from him and his new wife? I know people in the
town are looking to see my reaction, because all know. Even though I divorced
him, I loved him deeply. What can I do for me? I hate to stop doing things that I
like to do in fear of seeing him, or them together.
Gloria's Answer: With the many that I have worked with, it always seems
to come as a bit of shock and it does hurt when a divorced spouse remarries. We
want to live in the fantasy that he loved us so much that no one could ever take
our place. But the truth is, the ex does move on and we must, too.
I want to first acknowledge your feelings of sadness. It's is okay to have the
tears. There is no shame in that. And I, for one, am not going to try and
convince you that those early days weren't as wonderful as you thought. They
were wonderful, and they deserve to be mourned. But as you move through this, I
would love for you to challenge yourself to begin to celebrate those memories,
too. Be thankful that you experienced those days, that you had someone who loved
you, and that you know what love and happiness are. From there, begin to go
after all of that again!
As true as it is that your ex was able to find someone else, you, too, can find
someone else who will love you, cherish you, honor and respect you. This is your
opportunity to learn from the past and begin again with renewed wisdom and
insight. So, let go of what the town thinks! If you are sad, cry. If you are
happy, laugh. If you are remembering good times, celebrate. If you want to get
out there and live life, do it without fear, resentment or regret. » Return to top
Why is he recreating our
old life with this new woman?
Carrie's Question: I am a middle aged
female who has been divorced for 8 years now. Our children from that
marriage are grown. I need to know if I am "Okay" or not.
My ex has moved his girlfriend and her daughter in with him. He has
re-built his life just the way we had it when we were married. For
example: he had a pool re-installed in the back yard and designed
the deck just like we had, they got a black lab pup just like we
had, they go to the same places we went on vacation. Is that
something common people do after a divorce? I find it a bit creepy.
Gloria's Answer: You're a gem, Carrie,
and your question gave me a smile! Is it normal or common for an ex
to do this? I don't have a clue! BUT for you, I truly do want more
for you than this.
I am sitting here wondering why it even matters to you that he
has a pool in the backyard along with a deck like you used to have?
My first reaction is that he knows what he wants, and he creates it.
He loved many parts of your life that the two of you shared, and he
is creating it again. His choice!
What is your choice? What do YOU want your new and independent
life to look like? Is there something from your past that you would
like to bring with you into the present? If he can do it, so can
YOU!! » Return to top
Information about coping with divorce in the "Ask
Gloria" section of this website is for general purposes only,
and not a substitute for professional counseling.
