Dealing With Adult Children After DivorceYou would think that dealing with adult children after divorce would be easier than helping younger children understand everything. Unfortunately, this isn't always true, as pointed out in the following questions:
My son thinks that the settlement was unfair. Pat's Question: I have been divorced for 9 years. What do I say to a 32 year old son who demands that I apologize to my ex and return the money I received in my divorce settlement to his father? At first he said he would not talk to me, and now he's added his wife and children (2 grandsons). I am so angry that his father has continued to bad-mouth me for so many years to our 3 adult children. Two of them work for him, and I am guessing they are having financial problems. I am happily remarried and thank god I live in another state. What can I do? Gloria Answers: Congratulations on you successful remarriage and your new beginning! I'm so glad that you aren't losing sight of all that you are blessed with now while you still work to resolve some of the issues from your past. In dealing with family issues like this, a central question is this: What do you have control over and what don't you have control over? You have control over how you think, your overall attitude, and your actions. The rest is completely up to the other members of your family. So, with that in mind, let's explore your options that you have control over. Since your son is now an adult with a family of his own, you may consider having an adult conversation with him to explain more about your side of the story. You can write this out in a letter, call him, or make a special trip. Again, how you do it is completely up to you. And then once you share your heart with you son, I'd encourage you to let him
know that the topic is no longer up for discussion. You've made your decision
and you aren't changing your mind. This was an agreement that was made between
you and his Dad and he, your son, has no input. From there, explore what you
would like your relationship to look like from that day on. I'm guessing you
would like to have a solid, healthy, and supportive relationship with them and
your grandchildren, so don't be afraid to ask for that. What he does with the
information and your request is completely up to him then. It's a risk, but one
well worth taking for both of you! My husband's daughter doesn't want me at her wedding. Jeanette's Question: My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I don't have any children, but husband has a daughter. From the start the daughter has not shown any respect for our relationship. Now she is in a gay relationship and is "getting married". She wants her father to attend and give her away, but without me. I don't want him to go and feel quite betrayed that he is going to go. What do you think? Gloria's Answer: Children from past relationships is always a tricky issue. Some of the times the children accept the new relationships - that's what we all hope for. But sometimes things just don't click and we have to deal with that, too. What I see is that while she has never "respected" your relationship with your husband, you are also not respecting her relationship with her father. You may not agree with her gay lifestyle or her "getting married", but the relationship between father and daughter still stands. I would encourage you to find it within yourself to not try and
come between that relationship. It will only cause you heartache
every time, and in reality, you are putting your husband in an
impossible situation by asking him to choose. Stop asking, accept
her as she is, and maybe in time she will do the same for you. Should we have to change our schedule to accommodate our step mom? Krystal's Question: My parents divorced 4 years ago. My father and his new wife make every family get together and holiday difficult. Because of his wife's work schedule, he thinks that my sister and I should just make our plans around her schedule. This year my sister and I decided that we are not going to change our schedule (which works for everyone else in his family, except for her) to accommodate one person. Is this wrong? Gloria's Answer: Being a child, even an adult child, of divorced parents is never easy. You have to make hard decisions about who you are going to see on which holiday. You have to welcome in new step-parents in which you have very little say in the matter. And you have to sometimes make room in your life, heart, and holiday for that new person. I want you to think for a minute about your Dad. Your Dad married this woman because he loves her. He wants her to feel loved, honored, and welcomed into his family. It doesn't mean that he is choosing her over you, but you have to remember that he lives with this woman everyday of his life now. Would you not want your husband to make these same concessions for you? Would you not want your husband to make sure you were included in the holiday celebrations? I have a lot of respect for your Dad. He is trying to make it
work for all of you, and I can assure you that it isn't easy. Make
the decision this holiday that you need to make regarding the time
you take off to visit. But try to see it in a new way, and don't
make it about you. It's not to accommodate just one person - it's
about loving his wife. I hope you have the joy of having someone
like that in your life!
Related Articles: Gloria Swardenski is a life and business coach, professional speaker, and author of "Got 90 Seconds? Quick Quotes and Notes to Encourage and Inspire". For more information about Gloria, visit her website at www.GloriaCoach.com Information about coping with divorce in the "Ask Gloria" section of this website is for general purposes only, and not a substitute for professional counseling. Divorce
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